Hare Botter and the Sorcerer's Drone

WARNING: off-topic silliness follows ; )

I couldn't resist lurching off-topic with this delicious email exchange between my father, Pete, and a friend who will remain pseudonymous. All three of us have in common the experience of sitting many 10-day silent meditation retreats at centres of a certain buddhist organisation over the last thirteen years or so. I have deep and heartfelt gratitude to this organisation for the introspection and quiet insight they made possible for me, but I'm also pretty sure I won't be going back again: as you will gather from the dialogue below, the unvarying audio/video-taped teachings by a certain jolly guru who will be known here as Chuhknando-ji can come to seem more like chinese water torture than spiritual guidance after eight days (or minutes!) of one's ninth course.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you William Wilson Poe and Sri Swami Muktananda Guru Devi Peterbaba Rajzell Babaji his Holiness, wrestling with the polarities of love and hate in perfect, ironic and transcendent equanimity...

William Wilson wrote:
HI Pete
hows things?
just had to write
cause
golly gee
Chuhknandoji
I've got no
equanimity
Well Ive just got back from serving on a 10 day course
they made me the male manager HA!
having spent time in closer contact with some of the assistant teachers and the more dedicated meditators of the Chuhknando cult I havereturned with a slightly bad taste in my mouth
I cant quite put my finger on it but there's something disfunctional about the whole thing
these meek mild mannered sheep that just talk in Chuhknando quotes.
you get a feeling there is a fear of real emotion and Chuhknando is above critiscm
and they really belief if you meditate long enough youll use up all your past sankaras and become enlightened. Its that clinical the resident teacher told me that blind areas could be due to past drug sankaras which Ive heard before or.....
I hope you're sitiing down for this
due to incorrect philosophical beliefs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wonder what "incorrect philosophical beliefs" are. Anything that Chuhknando doesnt believe in?
One of the servers that left on day 9 again another highly sensitive timid girl left us a goodbye note which began
"let us remember how lucky we are to be on the right path" and ended
"with metta"
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
maybe I have a thick veil of ignorance draped over my head and I just dont recognize enlightenment when I see it.
My God I hope I don't end up in one of the buddhist hell realms in my next incarnation
And I really can stomach Chuhknando's chanting anymore so I'm going to look elsewhere for the rest of my salvation I think Im going to go to Thailand to live with the forest monks and eat boiled frogs and sticky rice
...
Hope you are well
and still on the only path there is, the one paved with good intentions
****** of the little faith
~*~

Dear ******,

Blessings, blessings, blessings! You are clearly a person of great personal integrity and moral worth, but your latest letter shows a disturbing lack of equanimity.

Changi, changi, changi! – change, ignorance and illumination – these are the true paths to wisdom, which you have to adopt hastily, and with specious spirituality. THINK GOOBLEDEGOOK – and this will free your ego and mind from all its entrapments, its rationality, its ability to detect bullshit, and all other impediments to COMPLETE AND ABSOLUTE spiritual enlightenment.

IF YOU MEET ME ON THE ROAD, KILL ME!

Now this is a little harsh in its language, but you must pick out the plums of my sankaras, and develop your ability to eat the currants of my discourse. Now look here – I may be a bit of a berk, a bit on the dogmatic side, repeating myself endlessly, but like religious cabbage, I am definitely good for you.

Do not lie in high and cosy beds – it might lead you into a path of sensuality, bliss and deep happiness – but oh the suffering from that pea of unresolved pain! ******! – pull yourself together – find the true path, there is only one, I am the way, there is only one mansion in my house ... oh dear! – I seemed to have wandered a bit ….

But never mind, it’s blissful!

Chuhknando Pete

~*~

Ah Sri Swami Muktananda Guru Devi Peterbaba Rajzell Babaji his Holiness

SO it is true! it really is true! 'when the pupil is ready the teacher will appear'

they say everyone has a Guru and its not you looking for your Guru its him looking for you.

Im assuming you are a 'him' I mean you dont wear a dress do you, you're not a poof are ya?

Well Im so glad youve found me, now instruct me oh blessed one

Ive have been reciting the special secrete mantra you gave me 'GOOBLEDEGOOK' for the last 8 hours in my eco friendly rolls royce, my nipples pierced with fish hooks and ants crawling in my mouth but I havent reached Nivarana. DO you think I am pronouncing it wrong, or maybe I should have turned right at Santa Fe.

I tell you something for nothing mate, if I meet you on the road I wont just kill you I'll fucking run you over and leave you lying in a puddle of your own blood and broken bones so that you die a slow sorry death at the beaks of vultures!

Oh Sorry, I got a bit carried away there but I said that with equanimity, I think was just succuming to one of the great fetters, a huge obstacle on the path to enlightenment, Doubt! or maybe, Ill WILL OR ANIMOSITY OR EGO OR HATRED OR PASSION OR ANGER, oh it can be any ting any ting
yes doubt that evil monster laying in wait, twisting my mind when Im most vulnerable
Yes I had a terrible thought, for a moment, that you might not be the One!
But Im OK now because I remember you have the beard and the secret mantra

GOOBLEDEGOOK GOOBLEDEGOOK GOOBLEDEGOOK

GOOBLEDEKOOK GOOBLEDEKOOK GOOBLEDEKOOK

GOOBLEDEKOOK COBBLEDEKOOK COBBLE DE KOOK

COBBLE DE COOK COBBLE THE COOK COBBLERS THE COOK

COOKIE THE COBBLER GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE

with METTA

MAY ALLLLLLLLLLLL BEINGS BE HAPPY
MAY I GYRATE
LLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVVVEEE!
ALL ARE MY FWIENDS NONE IS MY ENEMY

your humble
devotee with the goatie

ps: there are only mooshy peas under my 17 matresses so its not an issue

mush those peas of pain
And flush them down th drain

the peas of pain
grow mainly in the rain

the mushy peas in Spain
I think taste rather plain

the peas of pain
are mainly in your brain

~*~

Hi ******,

How's it going?

I loved your mail exchange with Pete so much that, with your permission, I'd like to blog it. What do you think?

I hear you're thinking of returning to London. It would be good to see you again.

Cheers,

Luke

~*~

Hi Luke

Hows things?

...

even though I think Chuhknando is an ego maniac who loves the sound of his own voice and his own chanting (you know that cacophony of constipated sea elephants that often changes key -well whats a quarter tone or two between friends- half way through a phrase) and has got some deluded idea about being the CHOSEN ONE spreading buddhism throughout the world, like theres no other schools of buddhist thought flourishing, I still basically like him and wouldnt want to slag him off publicly.
perhaps you could edit it so thats it isnt obviously him I'm refering to.
I didnt put that much thought into it, just nonsense thats rolls off the top of my well rounded head
And on certain conditions

1. you leave my name out of it, William Wilson will be fine
I dont want to be hunted down by the vipassana marfia and be put in a cell somewhere in Guantanamo Dipa, tied up, blindfolded and forced to listen to Chuhknandos metta bahavana tapes for the rest of eternity
OH GOD maybe Ive brought such bad Karma down on my head Im gonna end up in a hell realm listening to him anyway. Oh woe is me, It makes christian wailing and gnashing off teeth sound like a long leisurely soak in a warm foamy bubble bath with Jessica Alba

2. When all those publishing companies flock to your blog site to sign me up for a series of million selling novels you'll be my manage

I was thinking of a series
Hare Botter and the Sorcerers Drone
Hare Botter and the Mantra of Secrets
Hare Botter and the prisoner of the Sahdoobaaaaaaaaclan
Hare Botter and the GOOBLEDEGOOK of sensual desire
Hare Botter and the Disorder of the Routine Pricks

(well who 'cha xpect for a poun'........... A goawd wotch!!)

and 3. avoid dealing with that Caliban books, you'll get no where with that dodgy crowd

I'll leave it up to your discression

...

regards

******

ps excuse my spellig